Love, Confusion, and Acute Paranoia
by Saturday
Summary: There's no limit to how complicated things can get, on account of one thing always leading to another. EB White.
1. Bumlets: Paranoia

**Author's Note:** I really need to get a life.  What is this?  My tenth fic?  WOO HOO, TWO DIGITS!  YEAH BABY, ROCK SO HARD!  It's just depressing when you think about those---dare I say it?  _Three digit_ writers!  OH HORRORS!  It's scary to think that they can write so much.  Ah well.  Here it is.  The strange beginning for something that snuck up on me from the depths of my imagination, grabbed me in a headlock, and threatened that if I didn't post this I would never see the light of day again.

          Which is kind of ironic, come to think of it, because here I am in my dark, dark computer room, posting this.  Hmm.  Now why doesn't that make sense?

**Disclaimer: **I don't think I own _anything_ in this fic.  Wow.  I usually add a couple of characters ... They're always kind of deranged females with unusual hair colors, actually ... Famous, Adrienne, Callahan ... My god, I just found a pattern!  I am _good!_

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There was a letter sitting on my kitchen table.

It hadn't been there this morning, I was sure of that, yet here it was in the middle of my kitchen table.  I rarely got letters, and the few I got were usually in the mailbox.  As one would expect.

This one was different.  Special.  Terrifying.  There was a sealed envelope sitting on my kitchen table, and I had no idea what to do with it.

So I pretended it wasn't there.  That worked for a minute or two as I hung up my jacket and took a piss in the bathroom, but when I came back into the kitchen I saw it and remembered.

There was a sealed envelope sitting on my kitchen table.  It had my name scribbled across the back: Bumlets.  Bumlets Hilton, the boy who was too scared to open an envelope he found in his apartment.

_Open it._

I was NOT going to.  I was going to make my dinner and avoid looking at it for as long as possible before curiosity overtook me and I actually picked it up.  Yes, that was what I would do.

Curiosity overtook me extremely quickly.

I slowly lifted the yellowing envelope from my table, reaching over my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I wouldn't be surprised if I dropped the letter, my hands were shaking so badly.

I also wouldn't be surprised if I died of a heart attack by the time I hit 25 years old.  I'm a completely paranoid lunatic.

So, with trembling fingers, I broke the seal on the envelope and shook the contents onto my table...


	2. Snitch: Lamplight

**Author's Note: ***does happy dance* I have never updated this quickly!  WOO HOO!  Less than 24 hours and I'm back again!  This chapter is probably gonna confuse people, just because it's not about Bumlets at all.  Don't worry, there's gonna be like three plotlines going on that will tie together in the end.  Oooh, just talking like that sends shivers down my spine!  *smiles happily* I feel like a real author with an actually COMPLEX plotline!  WOO HOO!  *continues happy dance*

**Disclaimer:** Don't own anything.  *cries*

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It certainly wasn't love at first sight.  It was more like LUST at first sight--- except it wasn't at first sight.  I'd known Skittery for almost as long as I could remember.  I guess one would call it "finally discovered lust" or something complicated and screwy like that.  Yeah, that sounds about right.  Finally discovered lust for an old friend.

Except Skittery's not really anyone's friend.

What I mean to say is, maybe the fact that Jack dumped me turned out to be beneficial to ME in the end.  Talk about irony.

It was Monday night.  He dumped me on Sunday.  Sunday bloody Sunday, eh?

Of course, Monday night I dreamed about Jack.  And I mean seriously, how could I not have?  He had this way about him when he touched me that sent chills down my spine...

I woke up from my dream, sweating like hell and wondering when I was going to get over that bastard.  My digital clock told me it was 3:00 in the morning.  Perfect.  Just damn perfect.  I decided to get out of bed before I knocked my pillow out or something.

The neighborhood was dead silent, save for the crickets in the swamp in my house.

_Chirp.  Chirp._

Shut up, dammit.

Silence for a second.  Then—

_Chirp._

I shoved my hands in the pockets of my sweatshirt and started walking, not really thinking about where I was going or what I was doing.  The image of Jack curled shirtless at the end of his bed kept appearing in my mind.  _I'm over him, I'm over him, I'm—_

I stopped abruptly.

I had felt it, more than seen it or heard it.  It was as though my subconscious mind could sense it— someone was standing silently just around the corner.  Leaning against Mrs. Gulliver's brick wall, no doubt.  I could almost taste the faint hint of body heat in the air.

Or else I was just going insane.

I turned the corner.

"Man, you really have to get to bed," said Skittery.  "You do realize that we have less than three hours of precious sleep left."

"Yes, Skitts, I am quite aware of that," I answered easily.

Skittery grinned.  I think I almost fell over.

I had never realized how...

Beautiful he was?

I couldn't believe I was thinking this about _Skittery_, this grumpy, pessimistic kid I'd known for ages, but...

_Man._

I had been right.  He was leaning against Mrs. Gulliver's brick wall, fingers tapping absently against the rough surface.  His profile looked absolutely flawless because of the way the glow of the streetlamp was shining on him.  His hat cast a shadow over his eyes, and the light outlined ever curve on his body from his lips, over his chest, where his shirt was slightly open, to his legs and down to his feet.

He was chewing on a plastic straw, God knows why, apparently unaware that I was gaping at him openmouthed.

"So, ah ... you and Jack broke up, eh?" he said finally.

I looked away real fast.  "Yep."

He didn't seem to have anything more to add to the subject.  It was as though he was just confirming that his data was accurate.

I chewed on my lip, pretending I was chewing on his.  Then I realized what I was thinking, and quickly stopped chewing my lip and looked over to stare at his.  Then I realized what I was looking at, and covered my face with my hands and groaned.

"Ya really miss him, don't you?" said Skittery, still looking dully at the pavement beneath his feet.

Jesus.

"Ya know, Skitts, I really have to get to bed."

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**Shoutouts!!!**

**Buttons14:** Yeah, my Bumlets is crazy.  That's how I like him, though; confused and paranoid.  :-D I have such a sick sense of humor ... Thanks for reviewing!

**studentnumber24601:** It's short because it's more affective, alright? Lol, jk, I dunno where the hell I'm going with this story ... Thanks for reviewing!

**Dakki:** lol!!  I can't raise one eyebrow either, but I've been working at it ... I think I'm just going to end up with a billion wrinkles on my forehead or something ... I'm sorry I left you in cardiac arrest, I shall send you flowers. ;-) Thanks for the review, I love ya!

**Repeat:** lol!  That was HORRIBLE, Reps, I got like a three sentence review!  (Okay so it was like seven sentences, but half of them were like "yup" and "buh-bye".)  Ah well.  In any case, I updated (extremely quickly ... abnormally quickly, as a matter of fact...) and now you are condemned to write a longer review!  MWAHAHA!

**Scout73:** Yeah Bumlets!  WOO HOO!  I love him.  I'm going through a Bumlets phase.  I went through a Skittery phase and a Kid Blink phase and a Mush phase and now I'm on to Bumlets.  Don't ask why.  (Oh and by the way, I found the "Welcome Race Fans" thing extremely amusing.  You are not alone in your easily amused ways.)  Thanks for reviewing, I love ya!

**Sapphy:** lol!  Don't worry, no anthrax.  I would never do that to my dear Bumlets.  :-D  Thanks for reviewing!

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**Author's Note:** There it is, ladies and gents.  And never fear, you will find out what was in that envelope on Bumlets' table (but I swear it's not half as exciting as I made it out to be).  Thanks to all reviewers! :-D

-Saturday, the compulsive writer


	3. Spot: Caller ID

**Author's Note: ***finds letter on kitchen table* Whoa, déjà vu ... *decides not to have psychological issues like Bumlets* *opens it* *scrunches up eyes and pretends reading isn't challenging* "Congratulations: you have succeeded in confusing 75% of your readers to the point of insanity!  You fail as a writer!  We look forward to seeing you at the Academy for Failed Writers this fall.  Enjoy your summer!" *scowls*

          Yesh.  I would just like to clarify something, because half of my readers were like "What the HELL are you talking about??"  If you look at the chapter title, it explains who's talking.  So chapter 1 was Bumlets, chapter 2 was Snitch, and this chapter is none other than our beloved Spot Conlon.  Get it?  (And I'm sorry if some of you guys thought I was getting creative and pairing Bumlets with Skittery, I admit that that would be very cute ... I'm just not that innovative, lol.)

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Racetrack, don't own Spot, don't own Fountains of Wayne. :-D 

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"Racetrack Higgins, why the hell're you calling me at one o'clock in the freakin' morning?"

"Ah, the beauty of Caller ID."

"Cheers to that."

"Of course, I _am_ the only person who calls you at 'one o'clock in the freaking morning', as you so adequately put it.  That could have something to do with it."

"Hmm.  Cheers to that too."

"You know, I'm not sure you're using that phrase entirely correctly."

"You never answered my question."

"Refresh my memory, love."

"Racetrack Higgins, why the hell're you calling me at one o'clock in the freakin' morning?"

"Does a guy need an excuse to call the man he loves?"

"He does when he's goddamn leaving 'the man he loves' behind."

"My, you're cranky.  Did I wake you up?"

"I'm pissed at you, Race.  Answer the question."

"Not until you answer mine."

"I don't even understand why you give a damn about whether I was asleep or not before you called."

"Because I'm stalling."

"Alright, Race.  Yes, I was asleep, happily pretending you're not leaving New York City."

"Are you really that mad at me, Spot?"

"YES.  HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE GOTTEN THAT MESSAGE BY NOW?  I'M INCREDIBLY MAD AT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE LEAVING ME HERE IN NEW YORK, AND DAMMIT..."

"Ah.  All right ... If you must know, I was calling because I wanted to tell you that I love you more than anything else in the world, and that I'll miss you like hell.  Sweet dreams, Conlon."

"Race, I—"

_Click._

"Dammit, I hate that man."

_Is that supposed to be your poker face_

_Or was someone run over by a train?_

_You're minding your own business_

_But you're begging for forgiveness _

_Just the same_

_And now it's running back and fourth inside your mind_

_Just how that town defined you_

_Dressed you up and painted on your face_

_But now you're leaving New York_

_For no better place_

_You're waking, trying not to be_

_Wrapped around your pillow like a prawn_

_The nighttime's wrapped around you_

_Will be until it drops you on the dawn_

_From the C-Train to the shiny tower_

_Kicked around till happy hour found you_

_Where you can drink that smirk right off your face_

_And now you're leaving New York_

_For no better place_

_And here is your reflection_

_In a building uptown_

_A ghost is at some Madison Avenue display_

_Like water under bridges_

_You're slowly passing by_

_He sailed between the rooftops and the sky_

_And the bourbon sits inside me_

_Right now I'm a puppet in its sway_

_And it may be the whiskey talking_

_But the whiskey says, "I miss you every day"_

_So I taxi to an all-night party_

_Park me in a corner, in an old chair_

_Sip my drink and stare out into space_

_And now you're leaving New York_

_For no better place_

_And now you're leaving New York_

For no better place 

_-"For No Better Place", Fountains of Wayne_

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**Shoutouts!!!**

**kattabean:** I'm cute I'm cute!! *does happy dance* Thanks for reviewing, I love ya!

**rumor:** lol, thank you!  Yeah, this one is short.  I'm going through a short chapter phase.  Which is kind of ironic 'cause the next chapter of AOL 9.0 is gonna be SO FRIGGIN' LONG!  Or at least that's how it seems to me, but my chapters always seem long, lol.  Anyway thanks for the review! ;-)

**Repeats:** lol!!!  Ok I have never noticed the "little black thing" on Jack's neck (sounds damn creepy, if you ask me) but I shall check for it next time I watch _Newsies_ if it makes you happy.  And yes, Skittery is very hot.  I haven't seen him on _Without a Trace_, though ... He looks really funny now that he's all grown up, that's all I know, so I forgive you for not recognizing him, lol.  My little Skitts ... *sobs dramatically* Thanks for reviewing, I love ya! :-D

**Strawberri Shake:** Ah yes, Skittery's sure gonna get a taste of what he was missing ... *cackles* I'm such a slash fanatic, it's not even funny. Thanks for the reviewi!

**SpotLover421:** lol!  Yeah, I had a BIT too much fun making Bumlets paranoid.  I just have a thing for newsies with psychological problems.  Yeah, I have an extremely sick sense of humor.  Thanks for reviewing, I love ya!

**Pidge:** Ahh I'm sorry I confused you!  Do ya get it now? :-D Thanks for reviewing!

**Dakki:** AAH I LOVE U2!!!  *does happy dance* WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAAAMES!  WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAAAAMES!!  Ok I'm done, but I was really excited when I realized I had another U2 fan on my hands ... I only have one friend who likes them and he's kind of deranged ... *shudders* Ok I just have one question: who's this Dalton guy?  I mean I love him but I have no idea who the hell he is and it's driving me outta my MIND!  lol, thanks for reviewing, I love ya!

**arwenevenstar88:** AAH I FORGOT YOUR SHOUTOUT??

**arwenevenstar88:** There, now you have two. ;-D Thanks for reviewing!! (And UPDATE, for cryin' out loud!!)

**KyrielF:** Yeah, I have a thing for Skittery.  In the moonlight.  Ahh ... I'll tell you one thing, I'm damn jealous of Snitch.  It ain't FAIR!  lol, thanks for reviewing! (And by the way, I located my chopsticks and put them in a more convenient place for future sweatshirt episodes.)

**studentnumber24601:** *tries not to cry* I know!  Bumlets/Skittery IS hot!!  *breaks down completely* BUT I DIDN'T WRITE THAT! AAAH!  Ah well, thanks for the review (and if I were you I'd completely give up hope on longer chapters, it just ain't happening in this story, lol).

**Thumbsucker Snitch:** Ooh thank you! :-D  Good luck on your essay, by the way.  Ack, I hate English...

**Buttons14:** lol!  I wish ... I kinda wish I HAD used that pairing, it's so cute!  Ah well, thanks for the review!

**Sapphy:** WOO HOO!  I chew on straws too, actually, but there's no logic behind why I do it.  I just like how it feels between my teeth, lol.  Thanks for reviewing, I love ya!

**Scout73:** YEAH BUMLETS!  Hey have you seen "Miracle"?  It's ok if you haven't, I am a hockey geek ... but one of the main characters REALLY reminded me of him and I was all happy ... I'm such a dork.  Thanks for reviewing, I love you!

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**Author's Note:** _IN THE NAAAAME OF LOOOOVE!  WHAT MOOORE IN THE NAAAME OF LOOOVE!_  Ok it's all Dakki's fault!  I'm gonna by singing U2 songs all night now ... oh god, my poor mother!!  Please leave a review, I'll love ya forever!

-Saturday (over 24 hours since my last update, I'm no longer on a roll)


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